Post EE Live Reveal

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I have a deeply personal share for you all, and it’s giving me some anxiety, because it involves baring my soul and being vulnerable in front of other people, but women especially, and that’s an edge I am working to cross over. I really want to be able to share this side of me with you, but I have to ask first, because I think I need to visual reminder that I’m safe, and loved, and protected in our little bubble. Will you hold space for me to open up my heart with you in a way that is totally foreign to me, and not judge me?

When I decided to attend Erotic Edge Live, I knew it would be an awesome event; Kristin doesn’t do anything less than awesome with her live events 😉 I knew I’d learn some new things, and I’d have a chance to connect with some of the women that I’d come to know via the Facebook site, and probably meet many more of you in person. I knew that I’d come away with a full heart and a humming yoni and that I would see the world through renewed feminine eyes again. I knew all of these things because that was what had happened at Red Live in March, and I felt I could handle those expectations. 🙂 Beyond that, I didn’t know *what* I would learn, or whether or not I’d find an erotic edge to bump up against. As I once mentioned to Pamela, most of the edges I come up against are “not so erotic” and tend to be more intimate than sexy. When we found out that the men would have their own lessons, I was overjoyed, because I knew that Colin would come away with some learning of his own and maybe finally be able to step into his masculine energy fully.

I didn’t realize what a gigantic shift would happen in three short days. I didn’t know my entire world would be turned topsy turvy and that I’d feel a little like Alice in Wonderland. Friday started off casually enough. I had taken the day off work and Thursday night we had finished packing and prepping for the trip, so all we’d have to do on Friday morning was load everything in the car and drop the girls off in their respective locations (the little dog and my daughter to my mom’s house, the big dog to my aunt’s). Colin had taken the reins to make sure that our plan went off without a hitch and so that I didn’t have to snap into masculine energy first thing in the morning. Our combined intention was to make this a smooth, seamless transition and to allow me to really relax while on my mini vacation. The girls went off to their vacations with out any fuss or whining (a very real possibility with two snuggly puppies and an almost 4 year old!) and then we were off on our journey. We’d discussed the week prior about plans and put together a rough itinerary so that I could feel like I was “on track” and “on time”. My usual daily routines run on a calendar and a schedule and I get a little fearful if I don’t know what the next appointment is. Letting go of that was difficult, but Colin kept assuring me that “he’s got this”, and I had a little color coded calendar in the front of my binder to ease me out of panic mode if I really got bad. We didn’t write in specifics, intending to keep most of the weekend pretty loose, letting the spirit of the trip take us where we needed to go most, but I did know certain blocks of time were reserved for certain things. A meetup with Pamela and her Anthony around 4ish on Friday, and then a PT field trip to Maybee around 7. Sessions and mealtimes on Saturday and Sunday were well defined (Thank you for that Kristin and Heather!!) and so that left me with open-ended blocks of time where I just didn’t have anything planned. It was a good balance for me, and while Colin insisted more unfettered time would have been better, I think having a little bit of structure allowed us both to relax.

I could feel the subtle shifts in my energy as we drove north to Boulder, we listened again to the 7 Levels of Touch and chatted about energy and sex and yoni massage. We got a little hot and bothered on the subject of rope and surrender, but that’s about par for the course with us a long car rides 😉 When we finally got to Boulder, I was revved up a little and raring to go burn off some of that energy! We got an early check in, and started to put our stuff away. I had a few things that needed to be hung up (no wrinkles for Halloween!) and when I’d turned around, Colin was naked and running us a bath! 😀 The one thing he’d loved the most about the St Julien last time was the giant soaking tub in our room! He’d had a migraine for a good portion of that trip, so just being able to soak in the hot water was wonderful. I can honestly say, as adventurous as we are in (and out of!) the bedroom, we have never had sex in a bathtub before! 😛 Yay for still finding First Times with a long term partner! I didn’t know that would be the first of many Firsts that weekend.

After a little tub time 😉 we got re-dressed and met up with Pamela and Anthony downstairs in the lobby. We wandered around at the Ritz (omg, so cool!) and then while they got in line to purchase Pamela’s new “fluffy”, Colin and I headed over to the Boulder Bookstore. That place was amazing! I told Colin when we walked in that I could easily spend long hours there, and when we went upstairs and saw the ENTIRE FLOOR of Fantasy/Sci-Fi, I had a total bookgasm! (Books and shoes get me all the time!) After that, we went to Jax for a little light dinner/happy hour with Pamela and Anthony, and then we all giggled our way back to the Julien to get my car and head over to Maybee. It was so much fun to wander through a sex toy store with someone else! Colin and I love to check them out, but having another woman there, and in fact, many women, was so much fun!

Friday night, I modeled some of the panties I bought at Maybee for Colin, and then we snuggled up on the big bed in our hotel room and he rubbed my feet. One thing I am REALLY good at receiving is foot rubs! 😀 And with the yummy mint lotion from the St Julien, it’s even better! I had had a really fun day, and I made sure to express my appreciation to Colin for making that all possible. He’d spent a lot of energy to make sure I was happy and prepping for this weekend so I wouldn’t have to worry about anything.

Saturday morning, I woke up earlier than my usual time, and I allowed myself some leisurely wake up time. I got up, did some hip rolling and stretches, made some tea, and then I sat snuggled in my blanket in the plush armchair and just watched the sun come up, while I contemplated the day that was to come. I was excited, but I allowed that to just be in the background and enjoyed the silence of the morning. Usually my days start with alarms blaring and getting ready for work, dogs impatiently waiting for me to let them outside for their morning romp in the yard, and Alina shuffling around under my feet like a half asleep, tangled-hair zombie. 🙂 To just sit in peace and quiet, with no responsibilities to tend to… oh man, a lady could get used to that! Eventually it was time to get dressed and ready for sessions. Colin and I had discussed the VIP meal plan, but he enjoys being able to cook/provide food for me, so we ended up bringing stuff. I didn’t make my own breakfast that morning, like I probably would have. While I was showering, Colin made up some oatmeal and a cup of coffee and had it ready for me when I came out of the bathroom. I felt so loved and taken care of, even though he cooks for me every day. I think just slowing down made me more aware of it.

Once we were ready, we went down to registration. Getting signed in was a breeze and then we had our name tags and a few minutes to kill before sessions started. I decided I was going to sit outside while Colin ran back up to the room. It was cooler than I expected, but I lavished in the sensation on my skin. I’m usually cooped up inside all day in an office. I have a window view that’s amazing, but it’s really not just the same 🙂 When sessions started, I was nervous and kind of hyper feeling, but Colin just put his hand on my back and led me in through the doors and I could feel myself settling down. Once we sat, I looked around and took it all in. Have you ever been to a party where you feel like you don’t know anybody in the room, but you’ve heard second hand stories about them all? That’s how I felt when I looked around at all my PT Sisters and their partners. I knew some of you by face and name, some I recognized from March and had fond memories of, some I had never met before online or in person. Some of you had inspired me to explore new things within myself just by sharing your own experiences.

Perhaps I should pause here for a second… Since I joined the Pleasure Tribe, I had never had a group of women who were like-minded and yet so individual to be around. I had never allowed myself to have more than one or two really close female friends at a time. My history with female friends taught me some bad habits and some really horrible projections of womankind, and their ability to manipulate, ignore and injure the people closest to them. My own mother has set some pretty harsh examples of emasculation, both of the masculine and of the feminine, and I’ve worked hard to really overcome some of those patterns and behaviors I learned from watching her over the years. I find it really hard to let go of my armoring and put down my sword and shield, because I’m so terrified of being hurt. I have a real issue with boundaries, lol. I’m just too good at keeping people out and away, and to let anyone in close enough feels like I’m suffocating. I realize now that it’s a self-defense mechanism, and having felt the wondrousness of surrender and vulnerability, it’s something I’m leaning into a lot more, because I want to get past these fears of letting women in. I have shared more with you amazing, vibrant souls than I have any other woman in my life, and most of you I haven’t even met in person. When I attended Red Live, I felt really insecure about my decision. Not because I didn’t think the Tribe was worth it, but because I felt that maybe I didn’t really belong in a room with all these amazing, gorgeous people. I was afraid that I’d do something wrong or incorrectly and you’d all decide that I didn’t really fit in. In spite of all the learning, and sharing and caring between us online, my old fears kicked up that first evening in March. Kristin gave us ground rules, told us to remember to listen to our bodily sensations, and to be kind and gentle with ourselves as we move through our transformations. I tried to remember all of those things when I went into the room on Saturday morning to our first session at EE Live. I have had some difficulty allowing many of you in, and yet I felt inspired to.

Now I have a confession to make: When Kristin told us to write down an intention for the weekend, I couldn’t think of anything. I felt like I *should* have had something, but I really didn’t know what I wanted from the weekend yet, and instead I wrote down something like “learn new things”. I guess that’s all the intention I needed, because my mind and heart have been blown wide open by the things I learned in those few days. We all sat together and heard what we’d be covering over the course of our two days together, and then when the men were pulled from the room, the women around me all gravitated toward one another. I felt alone, but I think I needed that to catalyze my body into moving forward. We all gathered together closer, but still so separate. The dancing helped, though I still felt awkward in my own skin. I had left off dancing for too long and my body took several minutes to wake up and realize what was going on. As I swayed my hips and watched Lisa Weinstein move, I felt that flash of envy that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. Lisa, you so beautifully embody freedom of movement, and it made me long for the days when I felt that way. I promised myself I’d schedule more time for me to dance. I have a pole in my bedroom, and a huge livingroom, and I still don’t dance half as much as I want to! I made a mental note to write it down to talk about with Colin later. When we all came back together and then grouped up into collections of four, the only icky thing I could come up with was that I was a little too warm from the dancing and that I was a little lightheaded from pulling my energy down out of my skull too quickly. 🙂 The hard part was when I had to share what my desire was for the weekend. I said I wanted to really connect with all my amazing sisters. I nearly cried when I said it out loud, too, because until I said it, I didn’t realize that that was what I wanted. I made myself another promise: that I wouldn’t hold back if I wasn’t truly teetering on the edge, and that I would trust my intuition when things were getting too much for me. I can do that “socially polite” thing that everyone does as cocktail parties, where it’s all superficial conversation, but connecting on a deep level, or any level where there’s vulnerability for me is still really scary. Just admitting it out loud used to be a huge edge, but I’ve been getting past that, simply by practicing it.

Eye contact has been a huge stumbling block for me, but I made myself be strong and remember that I was in a safe place and that my sisters were there to help and wouldn’t hurt me. (Can you see a pattern forming here?) I looked into Sukh’s eyes when she shared her ick and desire and it made me feel a little better. When Dierdre pointed out that she felt like she wouldn’t judge anyone else in the room, but that she would likely judge herself, I felt a strong tug of resonance in my belly. I was judging myself, I was listening to that Bitchety Cricket on my shoulder, and letting the Perfect Person get the better of me. I didn’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be like that. I seriously was swerving wildly between emotions all morning long! Elation and giddiness one second, followed up by soul crushing sadness and then overwhelming gratitude for everything I was experiencing. I was on a crazy roller coaster!

When Stella was getting coaching from Kristin about finding ways to express what you needed, I found myself feeling the little nudge in my uterus that told me I had something to say. I didn’t tune it out. I didn’t ignore it, hoping my question would magically be answered on it’s own. Instead, when the time came, I raised my hand and asked my question. If I thought being vulnerable with my sisters was hard, it was nothing compared to asking for help outright! My mom ingrained in me early a sense of understanding of “how to get the answers”. She taught me to always ask questions, and to seek the information that would help me achieve my goals. But she never tolerated “stupid questions”. So if you were going to ask something, it had better be something you couldn’t already solve yourself somehow. This concept of “getting it all out in front of you with someone else” was like a crazy gift, and a foreign concept. Asking for help is hard for me, (ask any of my former co-workers, they’ll tell you!) and asking for help from a female authority figure was nigh impossible. But if we weren’t at EE Live to explore our Erotic Edges (or “not-so-erotic” in some cases) then why were we there in the first place, right? So I raised my hand. I asked my question, and more than that, I shared that I wasn’t perfect, that my husband wasn’t perfect, and that I had real difficulties with something. The answers I got blew my mind. Something so simple, so easy, so OBVIOUS! I didn’t let myself get into self-recrimination for not seeing it myself. I just allowed the information to soak into my cells and congratulated myself for putting to test exactly what Kristin had JUST BEEN SAYING! Getting it out in front of me, with someone else’s help, made it all so clear and easy to figure out a solution to.

That exercise where we had to partner up with one another and then show each other a sexy way to move our bodies was really fun but also kind of terrifying for me. I had to breathe through some touchy feelings while watching another woman being intentionally erotic in front of me, then model it back and THEN display something myself! I tried to focus on the exercise, on being in my feminine, but it was hard for me to relax into it. I think some of you noticed 😉 My breaking point came when Melissa and I were paired up to model something super erotic. I could feel my limbs freezing up, my throat swelling shut and I knew that I’d have to bow out of the exercise if I didn’t give myself space to breathe soon. I was SO relieved when Kristin gave us the option to either breathe from the heart to one another or keep turning it up. I wasn’t ready to turn it up yet! But I was proud of myself for noticing when I was starting to feel triggered, when I was starting to freeze, and I gave myself the space and time to breathe through it. I enjoyed watching all of the rest of you really embrace your erotic movements, it was fun, and even if I was a bystander, I still felt included in the giggles, which was wonderful. At the next break, I know I pulled myself away from the crowd a little more. Colin found me more or less huddled in a corner, catching my breath. I told him what had happened and he was sweet and just held me and told me how proud he was of me for acknowledging and respecting my edges and not just barreling through it like I probably would have done a year or so ago, to my later detriment. He’s been around me when I shove through a painful territory or when I push too hard. He’s been there when our sexy time gets put on hold because I didn’t acknowledge when I was at a yellow and I waited until I was past red to say something. So anytime I respect my own boundaries, Colin is, like, 200% percent on board with the appreciations and positive reinforcement. 🙂

That evening’s burlesque performances from the Mastery Women blew me away. Isobel’s moving display of past love and moving into a new relationship with an open heart brought me to tears. Erica’s bold expression of her expansion and freedom made me want to stand on my chair and scream and cheer. And Emily’s sensual soul-searching and sexual declaration had the words caught in my throat. I remember each of you at Red Live, and some of the particular difficulties you faced that week, and it made me warm and tingly all over to see how much radiance you can fill a room with!

Saturday was a real exercise in stretching my comfort zones! I’m usually wearing physical armor to face the world. If you saw me on a weekday, you’d see a very buttoned up, smart-looking professional woman. Maybe on a Friday, I’d wear jeans and a top that’s a little more form-fitting, or maybe a dress with some daring cleavage (for the workplace). I’m pretty conservative when it comes to my daily dress, and one of my comfort zones is ALWAYS wearing underwear. Like, panties and a bra. I’m not “dressed” unless I’m wearing both, and probably my hair in a bun. 😛 Since coming home from Red Live, I’d tried to wear my hair down more often, but when I’m in masculine mode, I find myself being annoyed by the looseness of my hair and then I pull it up halfway through the day. I knew going in that I wasn’t going to be able to wear a bra with my Hallowe’en costume, but a corset is like a bra and that made me okay. I had a pair of white panties with me for under the skirt, but you could see them through it, and I had brought them as my “safety net”. At Maybee, I’d also picked up a seamless nude thong, thinking that would be better than the white ones even. Nope, you could still see that too! So it was a choice of panty lines or going commando. Not gonna lie, Colin made the choice for me. While I was snacking, he pulled out everything for my costume and didn’t hand me any underwear. Since we’d agreed that I would only be making decisions that impacted my body and it’s needs, I went without panties. It wasn’t going to kill me, I decided. It wasn’t so much of an edge that I felt uncomfortable, and I’d be out with my handsome hero of a husband and about 40 other women and their men… I’d be okay without panties for a few hours. I don’t think I took into account the exhilerating experience of not wearing any undergarments, added to the wearing of a corset (which has always made me feel sexy and erotic) and then really sinking into the characteristics of my costumes’ originator. Christine Daae from Phantom of the Opera, in that scene where she’s in the Phantom’s lair for the first time, and the Phantom seduces her with his softly sung words of love and encouraging her to explore the dark side of herself. Yum! I’ve always had a certain confidence in my sexuality. Understanding my sensuality and my erotic innocence has been more of an undertaking. So when we were talking about Hallowe’en costumes, that was the first one that I thought of, and even after many discussions, it was the one that I kept coming back to. Christine’s innocence, her unwitting anticipation, without really knowing what she was getting herself into, but trusting all the same…. that spoke to me on more levels than I care to self-analyze! 😀

I don’t think I saw a single zombie in the flash mob, lol, though I do remember being confused by a joke Reid made while we were standing in Centro. (He asked if he could be our giant organ, which Colin immediately understood was a reference to the huge piano that the Phantom is playing in his lair… but I just thought he was making a penis joke, so I was really confused!) Once we all came back to the St. Julien, we danced for a while, and I got a chance to see everyone’s really amazing costumes. I also got to hang out with the sexiest Abe Lincoln I’ve ever met (you shine, even with a beard on, my lovely Shannon!) But the day’s events were dragging on me, and I was feeling the need to retreat to my cave. I am, by nature, an introvert, and this much time around so many other people was confusing to my system! Colin and I had talked about hitting the hot tub over lunchtime, so I checked in with him to make sure that was still on the menu. He said yes, and we said our goodnights and headed back to the room to change into our bathing suits. As we went up the stairs, he kept finding “excuses” to brush his body against mine, or to nibble on my neck and ear (erogenous zones he has no problem exploiting… or rather, as he puts it, “cross training” :P) It was a short trip back to the room, but I was on a short fuse anyway… All that talk of a “quickie” was still running through my head, and Colin took advantage of that, much to my extreme pleasure. 😉 After that, I felt a little more myself, and we decided that the hot tub still sounded good, so we got “dressed” and went down to the pool area. We settled in to the hot water and just took a few minutes to connect about our day and share a few frames. He told me about how the men were instructed to learn how to say no to their women when it came to taking care of their own needs, and I gave Colin points for already doing that with me to a degree. He’s always good at making sure I have what I need, and I respect his need for downtime. Understanding that two crazy dogs and an active preschooler can make even my most trying work day seem like a breeze, I always allow him to have time in the evenings where he doesn’t need to take care of me. He’ll make sure I’m set with tea or water and any pillows, books, ipad, etc. whatever I need to spend a couple hours of peaceful time for myself, and then I allow him to retreat to his corner of our desk (which is his man cave, and I just don’t cross over to that part of the desk. I’m not his mom, and I’m not going to make him “clean his room”. That was a negotiation that we settled a long while back!). On the weekends, oftentimes I like to have just some Mommy and Me time with Alina, so he’ll get some extra “time off” but when I’m ready for him to rejoin us, he’s not always at a point where he can. It’s those points where he’ll be very clear about what he needs. “Give me three minutes to get to a save point” or “There’s only ten minutes left in this round, can I join you then?” He didn’t realize that he’d been doing this all along, so he got bonus points for doing it unaware, and then double bonus points from himself because he was ahead of “the integration game”. 😀 Then we talked about some of the things that we’d been learning with the Alison Armstrong workshop we’d been working on in our downtime (Celebrating Partnerships, btw, is AMAZING! I bought it on iTunes for $18 and the PDF workbook from Alison’s website for, like, $10ish. It’s gone a long way to making us talk about some of the difficult things that we’ve been concealing/suppressing from one another and it’s just another amazing way to reinforce getting our needs met. More on that another time, though!). Then… out of the blue, I found myself on the receiving end of a pre-Ask! That was a new one for me. Colin asked if we could set aside some time this weekend, before we “rejoined the real world”, to talk about something that has been weighing on him quite heavily. He said that he knew it was going to upset me, and probably make me cry, which is why he’d been putting it off, but he also felt like we could finally lay it to rest, and that we were in a good place to do it this weekend, if I was willing. I knew intuitively he was referring to the one pattern that I had in the past that was incredibly injurious to our relationship, and the one time I had ever felt like my heart was breaking. He gave me some time to check in with myself, and I told him that I’d like to start the process that night, if he was ready to share it with me. But what I needed from him was to get it all out. He couldn’t be “sparing my feelings” if we were going to honestly heal this hurt that I’d inflicted years ago. He had to tell me everything, because if he held on to even a tiny bit of it, the resentment would just continue to boil under the surface. So he told me what he’d been thinking about. He told me how it had made him feel. He explained how he’d lost his sense of trust in me, and how he had worked hard to get back to the point where we were at now. How he knew that I’d lost trust in him in return, because neither of us handled the situation well. And then he told me what he needed to heal the wound. I asked if we could try Noble Healing, like we’d done at Red Live. He agreed, but only after we’d moved back to our room. The pool was closing about that time anyway, so we rinsed off, got dressed and went back up. Then we sat on the bed, and I held his gaze while I apologized for the hurtful things I’d said and done, for the way I acted, and for the way I reacted. I apologized to him for not trusting him enough to come to him before it got out of hand, and then I broke down and I sobbed and I apologized for not trusting myself enough to trust him. To know that I could get my needs met, that he could meet them. It was meant to be a healing for him, so we could both move past that dark spot on our radars, but it ended up being a tearfest where we both shared and apologized and healed one another’s hearts. It was so rough, but after we were done, like a summer rainstorm, we were washed clean and felt renewed in one another. I know we’re not completely out of the woods on that particular hurt/healing, but we’re at a 4 or 5 now instead of the blaring 10 that it was. I don’t think I’d slept that hard in a long time.

I woke up Sunday morning with a new sense of myself. And I had something that I felt I needed to do. I wrote Kristin a letter. I wanted to express my gratitude for the event and for the teachings she’d been giving to all of us, but for myself especially. I wanted to explain some of my past reticence and historical patterns. I also wanted to take that opportunity to share some of my darker fears and hesitancies. I worked on it right up until the doors opened at 10am that morning, and I wanted to deliver it to her directly. The timing wasn’t right until after the rope demo, and by then, my fears of inadequacy and intimacy started to mount up on me. Colin, I think, could feel the fear welling up, because he just put his hand on my back and gave me a little nudge in the direction of the stage. One thing I had learned the night before was that I could trust him, even when I couldn’t trust myself. Kristin was in conversation with Reid, and I didn’t want to interrupt, not because I didn’t feel it was important, but because I didn’t feel it was urgent. So I tried handing the letter off to Heather who was standing by with a clipboard. I swear the Universe was trying to tell me something though! TWICE I tried to put that letter on the clipboard and both times the darn thing JUMPED OFF! I did get to deliver my letter straight into Kristin’s hands (and thank you for that, Kristin, because it gave me a better sense of completion. At that point, it didn’t matter to me whether or not you’d read the letter, though I had faith you would once you had time, but the mere act of delivering it was enough to help alleviate some of my anxieties and fears over my intimacy with other women! I absolutely appreciated you in that moment for your handling of it.)

The walking exercise we did was a bit of stretch for me and my comfort zones, but I felt more committed to my goal of opening up around my sisters, so I dug in deep and when I opened my eyes, the world around me was alight with color. The shades and hues in each of you blinded me for a minute, but I was humbled and awed by it. This was what I’d felt like I was missing. To look around the room and see not just women, but warm, friendly, open women who had the same goals in life and who came together to support each other. It made me a lot more comfortable when we had to make eye contact and do breast massage! 😀

(This is where my woo-woo side comes out to play a little) When we were all back in the circle again, and some of us were sitting, and the rest of you were standing, I had my eyes shut, and I was breathing and listening to Kristin’s voice. Some of you were standing, and some of us were sitting, and I just remember kneeling there next to Shelley, and I was feeling really lightheaded (something that happens when I drop into my womb really fast, lol) so I had knelt down. I was listening as Kristin was talking about how we need to respect and worship our own divinity, that we’re all goddesses, and I just had this overwhelming response of tears. Not sobbing, just streams of tears running down my face, and I opened my eyes. Kristin moved in one direction and my eyes shifted and I couldn’t see her anymore, she was just absorbed in all this golden light. I blinked, and just like that it was gone, but I seriously felt like she was channeling the Goddess down into the room with us. At the time, my brain was all like “it was just your glasses and the lights in the room refracting” but even as I was thinking it, something inside said “you know what you saw”.

Afterwards when we all sat together in our Web of Sisterhood, I was amazed and totally proud of myself for getting through the entire morning without feeling like I was going to suffocate or get triggered. I felt light, and peaceful, and like little zings of happiness were smiling through my veins. I seriously felt like I was a young girl again, before harm had ruined my trust in myself and others. I could easily relate to the requests for more time alone with just the women, while at the same time I was bursting at the seams to tell Colin everything. When we set our intention to stretch our little web out into a bigger web, I felt like that was the most perfect solution. 🙂

And then the men came in, and they held that room so wonderfully. The entire dynamic shifted when there were men in the room with us, but this shift was different. The request had been made that they come in and be present and secure the perimeter, and I could feel the entire room take a deep breath when they not only “managed” that, but excelled. I was so incredibly proud of our RED Men in that moment. I’d noticed the changes and the lessons Colin was learning, but he’s my partner and we share those things. I hadn’t had much of an opportunity to see or feel it with the other men who’d come with their partners, and I am fully on board with the idea that “TJ is a God” buttons need to be distributed. 🙂

For the rope demo, that was something I’d been intrigued with and looking forward to from the first time Kristin mentioned that would be “A Thing” at EE Live. There were two points that I remember with absolute clarity from the first time Mike started tying. The vulnerability on Kristin’s face as she sank into him, and then the shots of heat straight to my yoni at the thought of giving over like that totally and completely to Colin. I’ve been in a D/s relationship before Colin, but that always felt more “subservient” than “submissive” and what I always long for is that moment when my brain switches off entirely and my body takes over. That surrender to my primal senses. That’s what the rope brought out for me. The ability to be bound and secured, (which is a turn on for me by itself) but also to feel the power shift, and the energy play that would go into it. OMG! The delicious crazy-wet desire!

Pressure Play with Reid with a delightful way to stretch my wings in the new space I’d cleared out in my comfort zone. I really felt like I was finally connecting with my sisters and this was just so much fun! I simply adore Reid, and I love how he can be super serious business about things and still be lighthearted. 😀 It’s just such a wonderful contrast and I find myself leaning in just because I love to hear him describe things. I was really unsure how well I’d handle being handled by another woman, and conversely, handling her! But Michelle Frome and I got on just fine, and I felt like we both sort of took to the task like a science experiment, trying new pressures and places to see what worked and what didn’t. It was a lot of fun to see some of the other couples nearby (when the men came back in the room) trying out new positions! It was just such a sparkling environment.

After we’d all settled down a little, Kristin, Reid and TJ began talking about choosing a path to continue the journey we’d begun. I had this fleeting image of Alison Armstrong flash through my mind, and then it was gone, but it stuck with me. I loved the idea of signing up for Reid’s program. Colin and I talked about it while we were at the break, and he said we’d look at it, but I could tell he wasn’t completely sold. The price tag was a little bit much for him at that point, but I said we could take the time to think about it a little before we decided on anything.

That night when we all came together for the last evening, I was excited. I got ALL dressed up in my favorite skirt (it’s got snaps so it just “tears away” in one slick motion, it’s fantastic and SO MUCH FUN to dance in!) and my white corset. I felt sexy and sassy and I sashayed around our room before we came down. I’ve found a serious love of burlesque as a way to express myself and learn more ways to display each of my Feminine Flavors. And the AMAZING Mastery performances showed some delicious flavors in their performances the night before, so I was inspired to really explore more of that in myself! When Kristin came dancing up the aisle in that costume… well, I’d long held the thought that she was our High Priestess, but I’d never expected to see it so beautifully realized in front of me. The power, the grace, and the absolute majesty of the beautiful women on the stage left me breathless. I felt the awe in the room, like we’d all drawn a collective breath and were just waiting to exhale. The previous night, we’d all cheered and catcalled during the performances, to show our appreciation of the fantastic performances. But this was different, it felt like the entire room was having some kind of spiritual awareness, and we were silent through the entire performance. It was like when you see a stag on the edge of the forest, and it’s just so freakin’ majestic and wild that you barely draw breath because you don’t want it to leave, but when it finally scampers off you just exhale and then become jubilant at what you’ve just witnessed. It was kinda like that 😉

Once we’d all caught our breath again 😀 We split up again. Some stayed in the room to be entertained by Reid on the subject of Energy Sex, and some of us went with Kristin and TJ to practice polarity. This short exercise showed me how much this weekend had transformed Colin and I as a couple. He held his power and just gazed at me from two feet away, and I could feel myself melting. To just look at him and see him like that…I can’t even describe it. I snuck a quick glance around at one point in the short 15 minutes and to see all of those men, firmly rooted in their masculine. To see the subtle shifts in them. From the relaxed but somehow fierce facial expressions, to the way they seemed to stand taller and firmer, it was an amazing thing to see. Because I know Colin so well, I could see the more concealed things, like the way his lips take on a different shape when he’s in his masculine. He stands with his shoulders back a little, and his stance a little wider than normal. He was magnificent. And then he called to me, without words, using just his eyes and his energy and I sank into it. I don’t even remember how my body moved, I just knew it felt like I was swaying in the breeze and he was keeping me from floating away. I started to get a little scared at one point, but I just met his eyes and he held the space for me and I took a deep breath and everything was good again and much easier. When Kristin let us finally move closer to our men, I had to fight the urge to fling myself into his arms and demand he never let go! I never realized how much Physical Touch meant to me 😀

Sunday night, after most of us had said our goodbyes, Colin and I were back in our room discussing the big shiny points of our day. He said that the men had learned a little trick for yoni and sacred spot massage, and that if it worked like TJ described it, I’d have some very happy sisters in the tribe! Haha! That made me giggle, because prior to that weekend, I’d never heard him use the term “yoni” like he meant it, lol, it was more like that’s what my vulva’s name was, but not the nickname he used. He’s always been more comfortable calling it a pussy, which was okay with me, because usually he’s saying it while we’re having sex, and I’m totally okay with him saying just about anything while we’re having sex, so long as he keeps talking! 😀 (I have a mad love affair with his voice, you may have noticed 😉 ) I was also really curious to see what he made of his sacred spot lesson, because it was something that he was pretty “meh” on when we first talked about it. He would do it for me, because I requested it, but it wasn’t really a priority for him. I think maybe we didn’t quite sell the men on it well enough in the beginning, because after his lesson with TJ and the conversation with Reid and TJ about sexual healing, Colin was a convert. 😀

I was feeling fluid in my body and super turned on. Watching all that dancing and feeling the energy in the room was a powerful aphrodisiac. Then playing with polarity had really gotten be all lit up and turned on. I put on my “Sexy Girl” playlist and shimmied around the room a little, before pushing Colin down on the ottoman in our room and performing a full on strip dance! I think I figured out how to take off a corset mostly one handed, by the way 😀

When I was done dancing, I laid back down on the bed and just reveled in the sensations running through my body. Hot blood pumping in my wrists and neck, the feeling of my hair on my back and shoulders from when I’d whipped it around, the cool, crisp bed linens beneath my heated body. It was all a bit much and I could feel myself getting overwhelmed by it all. I know Colin could feel it too, because he laid down on the bed next to me and just held me, and stroked my arm and side until I felt a little more balanced. Slowly, but surely, he made his way down to my hips and was drawing little spirals on my skin. Then he asked if he could try out some of the tricks he’d learned today during the men’s sessions. I was only too happy to comply and be his guinea pig! 😀 I splayed my legs open and he softly ran his finger tips across my labia. I didn’t even know he could touch something so lightly. It was like being stroked by a butterfly wing! He massaged his way from the outer edges of my labia inward to the center where I’m sure I was seeping. He was alternating watching my expressions and enjoying watching as my yoni warmed up fully. He whispered endearments and told me how beautiful I was, and I was having a hard time holding back the tears. He’s been telling me for years that I’m beautiful, but when he said in that soft, deep tone of his that I was his “beautiful goddess” I felt something in me shift. I think I was finally in a place where I could not only accept that, but receive it fully. He asked if he could penetrate me, and I readily agreed, because I was squirmy and needing a little more contact. His fingers gently slid in and then he just pressed his fingers against my sacred spot. I felt him shift against my side a little, then I felt him take a deep breath, hold it briefly and then release it. When he exhaled, I could feel a hot searing spike right through my sacred spot, and I just started sobbing uncontrollably. I didn’t even feel it coming on, I was just lying there, enjoying the sensation of having his fingers inside me, and then I was letting out these deep, heaving sobs. I’d had some numbness in my vagina, particularly along the top and upper half of the sides, but that was months and months ago, and I hadn’t thought of it since I started working through the Pleasure Anatomy lessons. I’d thought at the time that maybe it was just a lack of sleep or hormonal balance, but in that moment, when I was crying smears of mascara on to the St Julien bedspread, I realized I had just adapted to “not feeling” in those parts, and suddenly I could feel tingling, like when you sit on your foot and it falls asleep, and then you stand up and the pins and needles start up. It wasn’t a comfortable feeling, but I didn’t try to make it stop, I just allowed Colin to guide me. He kept talking to me, encouraging me to let it all out and just cry if that’s what made me feel better. I don’t know how long we stayed like that. He just held me and I just cried and time ceased to matter. When I had finally calmed down, he kissed me gently and then I felt him slide his fingers away. He kissed me again and told me he’d be right back, and to just lie there and breathe and not think about anything. I vaguely remember hearing the water in the bathtub, but I did what he’d instructed and just focused on my breathing in and out and not thinking about anything. He came back and picked me up and took me into the bathroom. He helped me step into the hot water and then climbed in behind me and we just laid there in the water and spoke softly about what had just happened.

Monday morning, my alarms woke me up at the usual time, and I just rolled over and ignored the heck out of them. That felt divine in and of itself. Eventually, I realized I needed to get up, so I rolled over the other way, out of the bed and started doing some of my Goddess Rising stretches and went to the bathroom. Then I remembered that checkout wasn’t until 11, so I climbed back into bed with Colin and kissed my way from his back over his shoulder to his cheek, and woke him up with kisses. (He says this is his third favorite way to be woken.) We spent some time snuggling and then I playfully asked him if he had learned any other “neat tricks” from TJ and Reid. He asked if I had learned anything from Reid during the “dildos and bananas” tidbit the night before. I straddled his chest and showed him exactly what we had learned, much to his delight. He returned the favor by exploiting a couple of my favorite erogenous zones. Finally he moved to be above me and slid his fingers inside me. He paused to look up at me, as if checking for symptoms of emotional overwhelm (a totally understandable concern after the previous night!) but not seeing a single tear in sight, he began gently stroking my sacred spot. Oh my! I really hope that I didn’t startle any of the occupants in the room next door, because I think I was sounding and moaning louder than I ever have. I remember Colin commenting that he loved having a new way to make me squirm. At one point I felt a strange rushing sensation that started in my belly and cascaded down through my legs. He just kept up his stroking for I don’t know how long, and when I climaxed, it was mind-blowing, back-arching, fingers-curled-into-the-bedspread goodness! He gave me a minute to catch my breath, and then he slid his fingers out and just stared at them for a few seconds before he started smiling and chuckling. I was so confused and not really in any sort of head space to get the joke. He showed me his hand that had just been stroking me. Somewhere along the way, I’d coated not only the fingers that had been inside me, but the fingers on either side and part of his palm in a thick, sticky secretion. He just chuckled and said “Well, congratulations Riss, you just had your first ejaculating orgasm.” I was skeptical, and made sure he knew it. His response was “I’m down here enough to know what’s normal, and that’s not the usual at all.” We both kind of laughed at that, and he got up to wash his hands. When he came back to the bed, I asked him how that was for him. I have often brought up the subject of female ejaculation, but (just like with sacred spot massage) it didn’t really check any boxes for him. He was “of course” willing to give it a try if that’s something that I really wanted, but it wasn’t something that he was particularly drawn to, so I was really interested in knowing what he thought now that he had had an experience with it, albeit a totally unintentional one. He loved being able to make me cum (nothing new there) and he loved that he had a new way to do that (again, not really news to me, but I appreciated him all the same for learning something new) and then he surprised me by saying “When you came all over my hand… that was kinda hot.” I asked if that was something he’d be interested in exploring further, and he said, yes, if we could do it in a way that didn’t require a lot of cleanup directly afterward. (We both hate having to change the sheets; we actually have two different towels strictly devoted to ‘sex juice cleanup’) I was overjoyed!!! Then he made me breakfast in bed and we chatted about the weekend. We were mostly packed, so it was the quick work of about twenty minutes to finish putting everything back into the suitcase, and get dressed. We had to stop by and see Pamela and Anthony on our way out. Before we’d gotten to Boulder, Pamela and I discussed the concept of Foria, and we decided to split a bottle to try. I had to collect my half of the bottle 🙂 (To this date, we still haven’t tried it, but I’m on my moon this week, so I didn’t want to mix the two 😛 Maybe next week!)

At the checkout counter downstairs, I felt like I could just sit back and let Colin take care of everything. When we’d checked in, I’d found myself talking over him a couple times, and it was hard for me to let go of the reins. I didn’t even have that inclination this time around, and simply leaned against him while he got us all checked out and out to the car. While we were checking out, the amazing bell staff had pulled our car up, and then loaded everything into it for us. I felt really well cared for.

As we were getting into the car, we saw Kristin and Heather loading up some of their stuff. I have to say, it was very strange/jarring to see Kristin in jeans after all the flowy “Goddess” clothing of the weekend, but it also made me giggle, because I realized that it didn’t really matter what we wore on the outside. We are still flowy Goddesses on the inside. Colin and I got into the car, and we talked all the way home. As we were driving, I shared about the moment on Sunday morning when I’d seen the Goddess in that room, but only after making him promise not to laugh at me while I “went off on a woo-woo Goddess-y tangent”. I know he would never mock me for something like that, but I still sometimes need the reassurance. 🙂 We talked about the path we were going to follow. I brought up Alison, and he said yes, that was a click for him, and we’d figure out the money side of it later, because Alison felt like it was right. I quietly celebrated my feminine intuition, and we agreed to look at her workshops and options available once we got home. He asked me if I could describe the weekend in a word, and we happened to drive by a sign on the side of the road at that time, and I laughed a little, because the serendipitous aspect of it all gave me my word: Golden.

I’m still working my way through the weeds that have overgrown in my Garden of Trust, but I have learned a new respect for myself, for Colin, and for the beautiful women of this tribe. I’ve found a lot of golden nuggets along the way, and now I just need to refine them, and integrate the new tools into my daily world. I really don’t think I can go back to how I was before, and really, I don’t want to. I’m still terrified sometimes, and I scare myself a lot with the depth of my longings, but I just take it one step at a time, and each new step I take, I celebrate my success. It’s not perfect, but it’s me, and I’m still learning, and that’s okay. Because I’m golden.

I have a deeply personal share for you all, and it’s giving me some anxiety, because it involves baring my soul and being vulnerable in front of other people, but women especially, and that’s an edge I am working to cross over. I really want to be able to share this side of me with […]